By Bikram Vohra
You know time has done the dirty on you and zipped past when they refer to you as seasoned or veteran and you feel like a pickle in a jar.
You find yourself saying “in my time…” far too often. You are upon this earth; it is still your time.
The lady offering credit cards, bank loans and other goodies cuts the mobile line when you give your date of birth.
You discover you are prolonging the life you are missing… cutting out the things you enjoyed. It takes so much longer to find the year of your birth when you filling in one of those online ticket forms.
You have all these stories and experiences but no audience… everyone is too busy.
People think you are quite the ‘act’ if you have a little fun like migoodness, ‘it must be so embarrassing for his family’, why can’t he act his age.
You tell a risqué joke and it makes you a dirty old man.
You map your day according to where the toilets are and that is because you cannot trust your plumbing not to put you on the spot.
If you are introduced to a doctor at a party you find you are sharing your symptoms with him, trying to grab a freebie.
If he is next to you on a flight he has had it, he’ll get the whole nine yards.
You cannot figure out why young people mumble and cannot speak clearly.
Also, while they play music on full column the soundtrack of a movie is literally muted and you have to keep saying, what did he just say and they all laugh at you. Nobody wants your opinion about nothing.
Your adult children tell you to be careful with the grandchildren and you want to say, like who brought you up, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer?
Going down the stairs is more painful then climbing up.
Everything that is tasty is not good for you. The phrase ‘nourishing soup’ makes you want to scream.
Everyone tells you to ease up, slow down, relax and you want to say, every minute counts a lot more than when you were 20.
You go around the house switching off lights and air-conditioners and yelling about money not growing on trees… just like your dad did 50 years ago.
Your back gets so much attention you’d think it was famous.
Your unwanted hair flourishes but the wanted type simply vanishes.
You find you are soppy with nostalgia because you hear those were the days my friend.
You have a party and the neighbours do not complain because no one notices and people leave the time you arrive.
The main topic of conversation if you do go out is about how people don’t keep time and the advantages of eating early.
You actually read articles about symptoms and you have them all.
Everyone else knows what is good for you and the never spare an opportunity to tell you.
When you realise that My Fair Lady and The Sound of Music were made 50 years ago and it was just yesterday the Julie Andrews was singing on the top of the mountain and Audrey Hepburn was walking downstairs for the ball.
You actually read the obituary columns and discover that the people in them are often younger than you on that kind of spoils the day.
You just cannot understand why the whole world is in such a hurry or where they’re going. By the same token it makes no sense why the car behind yours is honking the horn when you’re happily toodling along at 50kph.
Hunting for your spectacles becomes a daily exercise, actually more than an exercise becomes a sport and there’s no doubt in your mind that other people in the house are deliberately hiding your glasses.
You see a lot of whizz kids but not a lot of whizz-dom and you think to yourself, when will they ever learn.